I’m in the left field bleachers tonight for Manny’s return in San Diego. Already pregaming with a couple-six Coronas on Mission Beach. You can follow me here on Twitter.

(Lasorda always forgets to lock his box o’ porn)

I’ll be tweeting throughout the day on Manny and Tommy Lasorda’s legendary lesbian porn collection. (Including pics!)

(Thankfully Manny already has been through SbB Comeback Simulator®)

Have seen a ton of Dodger fans down at Gaslamp already.

Hopefully they’ll make bail by batting practice!

• Romanian teen tennis player Simona Halep goes through on her threat to get a breast reduction. We’ll never look at her the same way again.

• Chiefs RB Larry Johnson spends his offseason in Las Vegas, where he’s buying large champagne bottles for some thirsty ladies.

• The Ultimate Warrior shares his thoughts on the late Michael Jackson.

• Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers grabs himself a girlfriend in gorgeous grapefruit heiress Julie Henderson.

• Italian swimmer Flavia Zoccari feels more cheeky than usual, as her swimsuit splits at the seat during a meet.

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While this isn’t quite on the level of earlier stories about the marathon runner who ran down her assailant or the elderly ex-boxer who beat up a burglar, let it be known that high school custodians can be heroes, too. A 39-year-old Fountain Valley (Calif.) man was arrested Tuesday after the janitor at Fountain Valley High School spotted him masturbating while watching girls on the cross country team doing warmup exercises. Remember, without eternal janitor vigilance, it can happen at your school.

(”Do ya feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?”)

Just how did the janitor — who is not being named — stop the perverted miscreant? By tackling him and sitting on him until police arrived. That act in itself conjures all sorts of disturbing possibilities, so let’s just let it go. Hilarious masturbater quote included after the jump. Read more…

The knock on former Hawaii quarterback Timmy Chang coming out of college was that he lacked the arm strength to be an NFL quarterback, which explains why he’s out of football after bouncing through the NFL and CFL after leaving the Warriors as the NCAA’s all-time passing leader.

But perhaps a team should give him a call after the display of pure throwing power that Chang allegedly put on last month. That is, if he doesn’t wind up doing jail time, as the HONOLULU ADVERTISER says he was arrested for chucking a woman’s camera onto the roof of a building after she started taking pictures of a brawl he was allegedly involved in. Someone needs to get Steve McGarrett on the case.

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After flirting with the idea of only coaching home games (Mitch Kupchak: “Not bloody likely!”), then mulling retirement, Phil Jackson announced today that he’s returning as coach of the Lakers, full time. Apparently finished with a battery of medical tests more thorough than the ones administered to Linda Blair in “The Exorcist,” Phil The Departed is now Phil Of The Future.

This has to come as good news to Ron Artest, who won’t have to worry about explaining his special brand of crazy to a brand new coach. And to Lakers fans, who just watched Jackson win his 10th NBA title. Jackson has had a number of health problems, including a leg ailment, hip replacements and an angioplasty procedure in 2003 to open a clogged artery in his heart. But he wants one more ring: As they said in “Spinal Tap,” this goes to 11. Read more…

In this morning’s Speed Read, we briefly covered the curious case of the heroic female marathon runner in San Diego who fought off and helped capture a would-be assailant, Thomas Parker, when he accosted her in her garage. It was one of those wonderful empowering stories, the second in two days actually.

It takes a true coward to commit violence towards anyone, let alone someone perceived as less-powerful than one’s self. And true to form, Parker proved himself once more to be the ultimate coward by committing suicide overnight in his San Diego jail cell.

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I lived in the Pacific Northwest for several years, and I can tell you that it takes a lot to drum up any enthusiasm for a sports rivalry between teams from Washington and Oregon. Such rivalries do exist, but on a more tepid level than you’d see in other areas of the country; Sonics-Trail Blazers animosity was practically non-existent, and now the former team is gone. It’s just too damp and laid-back up there to get anything going in a Dodgers-Giants, Packers-Vikings kind of fashion. But the Seattle Sounders-Portland Timbers rivalry is an exception.

The teams aren’t even in the same league, yet. But the Sounders of the MLS played the USL Timbers in the U.S. Open Cup on Wednesday, and things got rather politically incorrect in the stands at Portland’s PGE Park — as illustrated above with this totally offensive-yet-amusing sign, hoisted by a Timbers fan. If you want to cut a Sounders fan to the quick, mock the suicide of Seattle grunge band icon Kurt Cobain. That was in very poor taste. Well played, Timber Army. Read more…

It was about a year ago when video emerged of “Rowdy” Roddy Piper hitting the bong. (”That’s funny tasting tobacco, man.”) But, as he was battling Hodgkin’s lymphoma, everyone pretty much gave him a free pass. This time, I’m not sure though; is alcohol commonly prescribed in California to counteract loss of appetite?

Piper, born Roderick Toombs, was busted yesterday for DUI in Los Angeles. He was released on bond, and is due back in court later this month. No word on if he smashed a coconut over the arresting officer’s head.
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So you’re 13 years old, you’re Alex Rodriguez’s nephew, you play for the same youth baseball team that A-Rod did, and you look pretty much exactly like him. Oh, and the NEW YORK DAILY NEWS just did a big story on you. Hey, no pressure kid. Meet Joe Dunand Jr., who seems to be in line for superstardom, or endless, expensive hours of therapy, in the near future (pick one).

As I mentioned in Speed Read on Thursday, I watched the son of former San Francisco Giant Terry Whitfield play in an early-round game of a district All-Star Little League tournament earlier this week. All that Eric Whitfield, 12, was able to accomplish in that game was four home runs in four at-bats — three of the drives completely clearing the creek that ran behind the outfield fence. But that’s a tricky age, where hormones and motor skills kick in at different paces; there’s no guarantee that, by age 16, Whitfield will be appreciably better than most of his teammates. And by all accounts, the biggest thing that Dunand, Jr. has going for him is that he looks like A-Rod. Read more…

Former basketball player Latrell Sprewell had a pretty decent career during his 13 years in the NBA as he averaged 18.7 points a game, but I’ll only remember him for two things he did during it.  There was the time he choked out P.J. Carlesimo in practice with the Golden State Warriors, and then there was the time he turned down a three-year $21 million contract because it wasn’t enough to feed his family.

Well, it looks like Latrell did stick to his word about feeding his kids, but those little rugrats most have eaten a lot.  Ever since Sprewell retired from the NBA in 2005 he’s had nothing but money problems, with the latest being that a bank has foreclosed on his Milwaukee home.

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